Advent Children: Yet Another Parody
by Undeniable Mystique
Summary: Just a crack fic I wrote in the early hours of the morning. Enjoy!


**-Advent Children: yet another parody-**

It was a Saturday afternoon when Marlene and Denzel were sitting on their living room couch, staring at the television screen. Cloud walked into the room and sat down in between the two children.

"Move over, you two." He said as he made himself comfortable. "Our commercial will be on soon."

Soon after seven individuals joined them in the room. The group was the ex-resistance group known as AVALANCHE. They all found comfortable spots to sit, and Cloud turned up the volume. "The Turks better arrive soon if they don't want to miss our ad."

"What ad?" Denzel inquired.

"Our ad! The one of the documentary that was made of the events that took place here two years ago, sweetheart." Tifa replied sweetly.

"Cool!" Marlene and Denzel screeched simultaneously.

"What's cool, yo?" Reno called as he walked into the living room. Rude, Tseng, and Elena followed him. The four Turks sat down on the ground next to the couch.

Cloud sighed, "Our ad is about to begin"

Reno laughed, "Oh, yeah!"

"Shut up! It's starting!" Barret made threatening motions with his arms and everyone instantly stopped making noise.

Suddenly, the television screen turned white. A mysterious voice said, "And now, a preview of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children" It sounded a lot like Sephiroth. Everyone stared in anticipation at the television screen. The trailer was starting.

* * *

On the screen you see strands of DNA swishing about. 

"Look at this" a deep male voice whispers. The screen transforms into a honeycomb pattern. Each diamond-shaped screen shows a different picture.

"There are no pictures of Cait Sith…None at all" Suspenseful music starts to fill your ears. It is the track "One Winged Angel".

Suddenly, the frame changes to a man sitting on a wheelchair wearing a white cloak.

"I've heard Sephiroth has a new version of his theme song," he says.

The screen shifts to Marlene holding a bandage in her tiny hand. She turns to Tifa and says, "Will Cloud ever get his own theme song?"

"I'm allergic to flowers," Tifa replies, lost in her own thoughts.

The screen switches to Cloud wearing a sad look.

It then switches to a picture of Kadaj, and then a picture of Vincent. Both men speak at the same time.

Kadaj says, "Black leather is hot…

Vincent says, "These shoes hurt my feet…

The screen is switching between the pictures of the two men.

Kadaj continues, "Leather makes my butt look…"

Vincent continues, "there's no others that…"

The screen is now going haywire flashing alternating pictures of Kadaj and Vincent

Kadaj ends, "…big, mother says."

Vincent ends, "…fit my clown feet"

The screen finally makes a decision to split itself, with Kadaj on the right and Vincent on the left. The music is getting pretty crazy.

The screen switches once more. It now shows Tifa sitting on a bed in a dark room, Cloud standing with his back to her.

"Marlene's wondering…" Tifa begins, "Why don't you have your own theme song by now?" she continues, her tone becoming angrier. "You're so emo, Noboe Uematsu must have something for you!"

There is a close-up of Cloud's emo face.

Flashback: A black haired boy is sitting in the back of a truck with his hand thrown casually on his bended knee. He turns to Cloud, through whose eyes the audience is seeing. "I have an idea of what we can do in the back of this truck." Zack says. End of flashback.

There is a bright light and the screen converts to Cloud riding his motorcycle through the forbidden forest.

"Cloud! I called top!" Zack's voice screams in Cloud's memory.

The screen changes to Cloud standing in a dark building, holding his left arm with his right hand. It is raining. "Ouch…" he whispers. "My pointy hair poked my arm."

The screen switches yet again to Kadaj's girly face. "I heard you get lots of girls," he says to Cloud. He takes out his double bladed sword and points it at Cloud's neck threateningly. "Will you teach me?" Cloud glares up at him.

The screen switches to Denzel's shocked face. He gasps.

Then it switches to Tifa. She is stuck on the wall of Aeris' church, flower petals flying all around her. She looks down at Loz, who glares back.

The screen changes to the white-cloaked man again. He is Rufus ShinRa. "Tongue? Mr. Soldier, Cloud" he inquires.

"I need…breath mint. Cloud replies sadly. Marlene walks in.

"Stay away from Blondie!" Rufus yells at the child.

"But I carry his breath mint." She looks up innocently.

The camera pans to Rufus and he asks, "Why doesn't he just brush his teeth?"

The screen changes yet again to Kadaj. "Brushing your teeth is fun, mother says," Kadaj exclaims.

"No, it's not" a mysterious voice speaks while the screen shifts scenes.

A man in a leather suit and with long silver hair turns around impressively in a pit of fire.

Tifa's voice is heard saying, "I wonder…how his hair doesn't catch on fire."

The screen changes again. This time it shows Cloud being chased by Loz and Yazoo on bikes. He is also riding his bike. Yazoo catches up to him. "Mother says, 'HIIII'" he exclaims in his uncharacteristically manly voice. (He looks like a woman more than anyone).

"Wazzup, my brother?!" Loz greets as he catches up to Cloud. Cloud escapes. He wants to stay as far away as he can from these mama's boys. As he is escaping, Kadaj's voice is heard saying, "Mother says gay men…"

The screen shifts to Kadaj's turned back.

"…are always happy," he turns around. The camera closes up on his silver-hair-covered eyes.

The screen shifts to Vincent standing in a forest with white trees He is talking to Cloud who is perched on the grass.

"I feel fruity knowing that I can't jump that high in Dirge of Cerberus"

Cloud looks down. The screen changes to a close-up of his face. "At least you…" he begins. The screen starts to pan out, showing images of Cloud in mid-fight. "…have flippin' sweet claws!" he finishes his sentiment.

The screen changes to Tifa standing on a street.

Kadaj's voice is heard, "This woman makes me very happy in pants." Tifa runs down the street towards Denzel. "Yeah, I get so hot…" Kadaj's voice continues narrating. The screen changes to him talking. "So hot…I BURN BABY!"

The screen switches to Barrett fighting a giant monster.

It suddenly converts to Cloud and Aeris standing back-to-back in a field of white and yellow flowers. The music has calmed down.

"Is it true?" Aeris asks in a playful voice. Cloud looks down. Aeris continues, "what I've heard about you in the back of the truck? Huh?"

The screen changes to the previous AVALANCHE members fighting the giant monster.

"The ShinRa delivers pizza now" Rufus is heard saying.

"Reno, deliver!" Tseng orders.

"Alright, yo!" Reno obliges.

Reno is seen running very fast.

The screen changes to Yuffie's horrified face. "OMG! It's burnt!" she screams.

The screen changes from the chaotic fight scene to the interior of a calm church. Kadaj bursts through the double doors, riding his motorcycle and clutching a box in hands. He stops his vehicle right on the flowerbed and peeks through a crack in the box. "Mommy-in-a-box!" he screams distressfully.

The screen once again shows the chaotic scenes ensuing. Cloud is now flying through the air to get to the giant white monster. He has a very determined look on his face.

The screen is once again brought back to the church. It focuses on Kadaj's face as he screams in agony.

The screen reverts to the chaos. Cloud has defeated the monster in the air and now lands gracefully on the ground. "Nice landing, Cloud" he hears Aeris' ethereal voice.

The score that was playing ends with a bang and the screen is now black with the "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children" logo.

"I'm too sexy…" Sephiroth's voice whispers, "for my shirt. So I wear leather."

The screen changes one last time. Sephiroth jumps down on the ground, concrete debris accompanies him. The screen shows a close-up of his malicious smiling face and slowly fades to black.

* * *

Cloud shut off the television and everyone looked at each other in a confused manner. 

"The hell was that crap? That's not how it happened at all!" Barret punched the floor in anger.

Everyone started yelling their complaints about the improper summery they had just witnessed.

However, they all stopped in mid-yell upon hearing a cold, cruel laugh.

"Fools! I told you I would never be a memory! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

** Author's note:** So it's about four in the morning, and I'm looking for something to avoid the fact that I'm suffering from insomnia. Thus, this story gets posted on the internet! Tada!

Not my best work, I know. But it's something since I haven't updated or posted anything in a month. I blame this atrocity on the lack of sleep, readers!

Oh, and just so you know, this isinspired by a video on It's called "Advent Children:Yet another Parody".


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